Just Me...

It’s kind of sad when people around you leave, literally. It’s even more sad when the realization comes that your own deeds makes you stand in this momentarily terrible situation. I screwed up my life. My previous semester had been a disaster, with four arrears in my hands and an unnerving pain in my heart. Two back papers were expected, but the other two – labs – were never expected. It was a shock to see that I’d failed in the Mini Project. There was output and the requested modification implemented, thought not fully. It would be worthless talking about the B.Tech evaluation of University of Kerala. And more to that, this time it was pathetic. Worse, it was subjective, biased, as far as many of us believe and it is in fact evident. The guys who performed in the other lab exam at par with others in their corresponding batch got varying results. It was an unrealistic pattern, a strange distribution of marks unexpected by most of us. I’m no judge here, but getting a meager 35 out of 100 in Mini Project is disastrous, especially when the examiner fails to award even the bare minimum passing marks (40/100) for something which is your own creation. Who is the judge here?

With the plenty of arrears to my credit, there was one more issue. It is said that with every problem one faces, there will be something that gives a quantum of solace. But, apparently not in my case. I had applied for CAT 2009 (Common Admission Test) and all of my friends and I had booked the slot on 6th December – the last Sunday of the online CAT test window – at Calicut. Everyone unanimously selected this date hoping our seventh semester University exams to end before CAT. And it did. When the exam schedule was out, the regular seventh semester exams ended way before December even started but one of my back papers from sixth semester came exactly on the 7th of December- the very next day to CAT. And by the time, the final date to make changes to the CAT online slots had ended. How fucked up can that be. Another MBA entrance exam I had applied for was IIFT, which fell on the eve of ‘Internetworking’ exam of seventh semester. I could have attended it; if only I could get over the fear of arrear instilled in me. I never wanted to get a back paper this semester and decided to stay back here, when my friends who all applied for IIFT left for Kochi.

I hardly had got over this loss when the date for CAT was nearing. There was a hustle all around me, friends furious about CAT, talking, bunking classes to prepare for CAT. The CAT test centre all of us had chosen was Calicut. Some for convenience went home earlier cutting classes, who stayed near Calicut. Others were leaving every other day. The saddest part was that I was there to see each of them leave. Close friends were getting anxious of the exam, and I was providing emotional support. Tension, anxiety and even illnesses were gripping everyone. And my closest friends resorted to me. I did the best I could to keep them going, motivate them, drive them, even before a day before the online test. My clock was ticking; every second getting closer to my dreaded back paper – Theory of Computation – on the 7th December. And I was still consoling and encouraging my confused best friends.

One more bolt out of the blue, my Computer Networks lab exam got scheduled on the same 7th. I was getting confused and couldn’t focus on anything. I had already opted out CAT and now suddenly I had to make another decision, a situation where I had no choice. I had to go for both my arrear and my lab. I went around asking friends to swap my lab date with those who were scheduled on 9th or 10th December. The first one whom I asked agreed to exchange dates with me in case I never found anyone else to, and after my search, I finally wound with her- Lina. None of them whom I asked were willing to do the exam on the first day in the schedule. I finally got my exam rescheduled and that was settled.
 
Today – 5th December

5 am. I was woken up by Vinit’s call in my cell. I had agreed to drop him somewhere where another friend, who will be accompanying him, would be waiting. He was to leave early and it would be hard to find conveyance. We both set out on the bike and reached the place. After a word with her, and wishing her luck, I found an auto rickshaw and the two of them got in. They shook hands with me and asked me “to study”. As the auto was leaving, Vinit said “you could have come too”. That was the instant a thunder struck me inside my chest – the realization that I never would be able to now. As the auto drove past me, I found myself standing lone and lost in the darkness filling me inside and outside. The world around me stood still. For a few seconds I froze. I waited till they took a U-turn and once again sped past me, going away from me - the last two in the pack to leave.

I gathered myself back and started the bike. There were barely any vehicles on the road. It was just me now. As I was speeding back to hostel, my eyes welled and a tiny tear rolled down the corner of my eye…